Priyavrat.Thareja

Blog » Pages, General, Humour, Free Stuff » simple humour

simple humour.Pages

Koestler – Bisociations

Koestler argued that creativity is mainly connecting the seemingly unconnected. A man comes home, finds his wife with the priest and starts preying. ‘What are you doing asks the priest’ surprised. ‘Well’, said the man, ‘you are doing my job, I am doing yours’. In this joke, the world of cheating ‘bisociated’ with the world of job replacement.

More
A Little Confusion

“I’m confused,” the little boy admitted to his teacher. “I went to church last
Sunday and they kept telling me to stand up for Jesus! But then I went to the
ballgame, and everyone kept yelling, ‘For Christ’s sake, sit down!’”

Clean Out Your Ears

A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later,
the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady
on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor
again, the doctor said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said doctor, “Get a hot mama and be
cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that! I said you have got a heart murmur.
Be careful!”

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Survival

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
“What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case
you get lost in the desert?” he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as
food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his
hand. “Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring
with you?” asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied, “A compass, a canteen of
water, and a deck of cards.”

“Why’s that Timmy?”

“Well,” answered Timmy, “the compass is to find the right direction, the
water is to prevent dehydration.”

“And what about the deck of cards?” asked the Scout Master impatiently.

“Well, sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come
up behind you and say, “Put that red nine on top of that black ten!”

Rifle Shopping

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

“It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.

“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”

Quality of Life

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village
when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat
were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on
the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The
Mexican replied, “Only a little while, Senor.”

The American then asked, “Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more
fish?”

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and
busy life, Senor.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should
spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the
proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a
middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your
own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to
Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding
enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But Senor, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”

“But what then, Senor?”

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is
right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public
and become very rich, you would make millions.”

“Millions, Senor? Then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing
village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take
siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could
sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

Chicken Preparation

I went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they
prepare their chickens.

The answer was, “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

Eating with Children

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was encouraged
to bring their children.

All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker’s three-year-old girl stared at the
man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but
nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but
finally it was too much for him. He asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her
response.

The little girl said, “I just want to see how you drink like a fish!”

Border Patrol

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags
balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, “What’s in the bags?”

The fellow says, “Sand!”

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the
bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects… only to find
sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and
pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated…

“What have you there?”

“Sand”

“We want to examine.”

Same results… nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week
the fellow didn’t show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to
the fellow, “Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling
something. I won’t say anything what were you smuggling?”

The fellow says, “Bicycles.”

Patience
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset.
It won’t be long.” Soon they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl began to shout for candy. And when told she couldn’t have any, began to cry.The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry–only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.” When they got to the checkout stand,the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased.
The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.” The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began. Where upon the mother said, “I’m Monica — my little girl’s name is Tammy.”
Better Safe Than Sorry

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At
the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as
they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an
older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last
house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her
what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as
you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

Pilgrimage to the Vet

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to a veterinary clinic
for innoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under
one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated
ones from the rest. So, the vet turned on the water faucet, wet his fingers, and
moistened each dog’s head when he had finished.

After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed the talkative client had grown silent. As the
vet sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t
know they had to be baptized, too.”
Bulls Eye

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on
walls, and on fences there were numerous bull’s-eyes with the bullet hole in
dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the
person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to
be the village idiot.

“This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen,” said the FBI man. “How in
the world do you do it?”

“Nothing to it,” said the idiot. “I shoot first and draw the circles
afterward.”

Health Club Membership

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director
of the group said, “Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your
daily routine.”

Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously
overweight members said, “I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I
exercise frequently.”

“Hmm?” said the manager. “And are you sure you having nothing else to add?”

“Well, yes,” said the member. “I lie extensively.”

The Perfect Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s
taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man! You don’t stand a chance of hitting her from here!”

The Texan v. the Irishman

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows
back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks
the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them
all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’,
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh … I had to go to the pub down the street to see
if I could do it first.”

Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said, “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

The Gofer Boy

Porky was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t especially bright. He had just started his first
job, as a delivery boy and general ‘go-fer’ at a furniture warehouse. His
first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop
carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held
up the thermos.

“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” he said.

The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then
finally said, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”

“Good,” Porky said. “Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

Jack

Jack’s mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his
two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl’s
grip and said comfortingly to Jack, “There, there. She didn’t mean it. She
doesn’t know that hurts.”

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in,
she asked, “What happened?”

“She knows now,” Jack replied.

The Perfect Mate

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect
mate to some of her friends. “The man I marry must be a shining light amongst
company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”

Hoya

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation
and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council
Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd
was getting more and more excited. “I promise better education opportunities for
Native Americans!”

The crowd went wild, shouting “Hoya! Hoya!” The politician was a bit puzzled by
the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. “I promise gambling reforms
to allow a Casino on the Reservation!”

“Hoya! Hoya!” cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

“I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!” The
crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting “Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!”

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous
herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked
the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

“Sure,” the Chief said, “but be careful not to step in the hoya.”

A Trucker’s Breakfast

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit
down at the counter and order, “Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of
headlights.”

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in
the wrong store, look at what he ordered!”

The cook says, “He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up.”

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, “What’s this? I didn’t order this!”

The young man tells him, “The cook says that while you’re waiting for your
parts you might as well gas up!”

Lena Returns Home

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook
the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long,
she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went
to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her
work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what
that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She
stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into
a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.
They witnessed Lena’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, “Will
you jus’ look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out this night, and me without
me bloomers on!”

Before It Starts

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in
front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She
looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes
that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going
to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight?
Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat
slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”

The New Employee
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

“Need some help?” a secretary asked.

“Yes,” he replied. “How does this thing work?”

“Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it
into the shredder.

“Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”

Two Drunks
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a
beautiful night, look at the moon.”

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, “You are wrong,
that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”

Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk
walking so they stopped him. “Sir, could you please help settle our
argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining.
Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said,
“Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

You Are What You Eat

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with
her girlfriends one evening. “Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner
for my husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time!”
she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn’t have enough time to go to
the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf,
an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food,
stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband
pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his
dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. “Darling,
this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage.
You can make this for me any old day.”

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband
the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies
said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week
would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing
you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while
he was cleaning himself.”

Hunting in the South

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of
them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes
are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, “Alright, take it easy.
I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. “OK. Now what??”

Southern Naming Technique

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare
officer asks her how many children she has?

“Ten boys.”

“And their names?”

“Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy.”

“All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?”

“That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells
‘LEROY!’, and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells ‘LEROY!’”

“What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?”

“Then I calls him by his last name.”

Modern Invention

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move
apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, “What is this father?”

The father, (never having seen an elevator), responded, “Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is!”

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel
chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and
the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light
up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, “Go get your mother!!”

The New Golfer

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d
try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew
nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward
the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto
the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said,
after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! Now you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

The Rescue

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the
deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman
ran up. The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save
her. I’ll give you a hundred dollars.”

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the
woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at
the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred dollars?”

The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought
it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”

Congratulations

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down
next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man
turned to her and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.”

“I’m celebrating, too,” she replied, clinking glasses with him.

“What are you celebrating?” he asked.

“For years I’ve been trying to have a child,” she answered, “Today my gynecologist
told me I’m pregnant!”

“Congratulations,” the man said, lifting his glass.

“As it happens, I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile.
But today they’re finally fertile.”

“How did it happen?”

“I switched cocks.”

“What a coincidence,” she said, smiling.

A Bachelor’s Cookbook

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from
politics to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - ‘Take a clean
dish.”

The Unexpected Pick Up

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out
her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and
said, “Hello luv, how’s about us going for a walk together.”

“How dare you,” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”

“Well then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”

- Posted on October 19th, 2011 in Pages, General, Humour, Free Stuff | 8,782 Views |

No Comments »

No comments yet.

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.